Friday, June 17, 2011

on scars and sisters

I’ve always maintained that like taubah, an apology to one whom we’ve wronged, that’s intensely personal. It’s something that should only be undertaken when one is wholly ready.  Willing to embrace the act fully.

Yet a few days ago I was forced into a public apology. One I’d been intending to do privately but was not afforded the opportunity. I won’t go into the hairy details, (and believe me, they make Godzilla look like a hairless mole-rat). Suffice it to say, it was an incredibly painful experience.

I was left with a gaping wound that bled tears each time I thought of it.

I comforted myself with all the usual platitudes.
Asked myself, what I had lost. What was it really? My pride?
If so, I could do without it.
My honour?
I was reminded of the quraanic aayat. “do they seek Izzah (respect/honour) by them? For all honour belongs to Allah alone."

What was it?
My dignity?
I did not stammer, did not flinch when the phone was handed to me, on speaker, nogal. I spoke freely and from the heart.

So what was it, really?
Why had it happened?
What was her vendetta against me?
What had I ever done to deserve that?

I told myself, when the pain became overwhelming that long and teary night., “Think, of Palestine. Of Gaza. How often don’t they face humiliation much worse at the hands of the Zionists?”

I admit. I was good at spinning and spinning some more to build a bandage over my wound. But each bandage was soon soaked through and through.

So now, I’ve come to accept that it will be a while before I am healed of this. A while before I am able to forgive. A while before I am able to look back without feeling a pang. Before I am able to run a finger along the silvery scar and think: Wow! I survived that!
But even that night, as I sat, a shawl of self-imposed solitude thrown over my shoulders, the BBM msg’s from sisters kept coming.

Are you okay?  *hug*
Hope you’re fine.
Don’t take it to heart.

The statuses were updated. So many in my support. And I was filled with gratitude for a friendship so pure. So sincere. Courtesy of Facebook.

I look back on those earliest Facebook meets. All these amazing and wonderful women unknown quantities to me.  Trace the timeline of our friendships. And realize with an overwhelming surge of gratitude that I have been blessed with pure friendships. There has never been backstabbing, tale bearing, gossip and slander.

There has been laughter and love. They stood by me that night. Raised their voices against that of hate.

Your friend is your needs answered ~ Gibran

Indeed, that they are. My sisters. I love you all for the pleasure of Allah.