Let's Talk About Sex *blush*

At the age of 9 my sister first allowed me a glimpse into the world of human reproduction. I’d always suspected that my parents’ version - involving planes and storks- to be on par with the Tooth Fairy stories. So I was not completely blown away to discover that babies came out from vaginas.

 But I knew my friends would be -insert wicked grin- so I chose, rather unwisely, I might add (but, hey, I was only 9) to share this nugget in whispered exchanges with a few rapt madrassah classmates. Girls, naturally! What do you take me for?

All hell broke loose! One of my girlfriends ran off to her sister. An argument broke out. My sister was sucked in. Threats were made. And gasp! There was talk of that horror of horrors! Calling in the PARENTS!

I felt awful. Still do, in fact, whenever I think of it. Felt the shame of what I’d done most acutely. Felt in some way dirty.

That was the beginning of my understanding that all matters sexual were never to be spoken of in my little slice of Chaardom. They were the worst of all the deadly sins.

Growing up, the word ‘sex’ was considered vile. Ugly. That was one of the most important lessons that my mum made a point of driving home. Along with:

 ‘Thou shalt have immaculate cupboards”

“Thou shalt learn how to cook a decent curry.”

“Thou shalt NEVER walk over anything lying on the floor. (Don’t you have eyes?! Are you blind?!)”

“Thou shalt never be lazy!”

 Even when Muslim aunties around me were popping babies every so often. Immaculate conceptions? I think not.

Fast-forward to the ‘91 and the release of Salt-n-Pepa’s hit single ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’, me being all of 14 at the time. Even as we covertly listened to the song, sang it, no one was doing the talking. Certainly not our parents.

It was understood that at some point we’d all marry decent (non-virgin) guys, our own virginity intact and that our husbands would teach us all there is to know.

So prior to marriage we all tried to get our hands on a copy of Kitaabun Nikaah, read it on the sly, certainly not in front of our parents (even though we’d long been reading Mills and Boon romances in their presence. Contradiction? This is Chaardom we’re talking about.)

And we entered adulthood, secure in the knowledge that should we look at out husbands naked (and they at us) our children would be born blind. And should we dare speak during intercourse, well, they’d be deaf and dumb.

But we took our chances. And when the first kid was neither blind nor deaf nor dumb, we took a few more.

And then we finally grew up and realized that all the blind, deaf, dumb stories were just a lot of hogwash. And that sex was an important part of every healthy marriage. And that giving pleasure and receiving it was really the ideal in Islam. Or did we?

SO what prompted this post?

This:

It was an image that went out on FB, BBM, Twitter, you name it! And not with the face obscured!

It made we wonder. 

• Would it have been ‘okay’ for a muslim uncle, duri and all to be at Sexpo if he wasn’t wearing a kurta?
• Are we trying to say that Muslims don’t have the need for sex?
• Why are all matters around sexuality, especially female sexuality, still frowned upon?
• Why do we like to go around pretending that sex is not fun?
• And why should people feel guilty about having healthy sex lives within the confines of marriage?

I’m not condoning Kurta Chachas ogling the boude, see. But he just made me wonder.

From growing up in a world where balanced information around sex and sexuality was unheard of, we’re rearing kids in a world where licentiousness is paraded as the ideal.

Just last night I watched a BOLLYWOOD (for crying out loud!) movie where a 21 yr old said about her friend (to her boss nogal)

“That was my friend Priya on the phone. She just lost a V. Isn’t that cute?”

Er…I think not.

But what are our kids to make of all this?

And if they cannot come to us with their questions – even the ones around that dreaded ‘M’ word  - yep, masturbation – who will they turn to for answers?

Bollywood, much like Hollywood preaches a message that contradicts Islamic teaching. It propagates the message that sex before marriage is the norm. Not just the norm, but healthy, in fact.

We need to be prepared to offer the Islamic alternative. And engage them in a constructive manner. 

We need to be able to answer their questions, albeit with a lot of stammering and a crimson blush.

I found this to be a fantastic balanced article on the subject and may just direct my kids there when they’re old enough. Because as a mother, I would have difficulty discussing it with my boys. And I know their father would never feel comfortable. Clearly we’re not far enough along the evolutionary (make that sexual revolutionary) path.

But with my girls, well…we may just have lengthy discussions. Wish me luck!